My girlfriend stated love can wait, but friendship can’t. They’ll be here after you. I packed my bags that night without another word. When she and her squad showed up at my new place days later she, my 26M girlfriend, 24F of 2 years chose her friend group over our relationship for the last time. I’m done.
I don’t even know where to start with this mess. I’ve been with Marissa for over 2 years now, and I thought we had something real. We moved in together 6 months ago. Split everything down the middle. The whole domestic thing. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m dating 5 people instead of one.
Here’s the thing. Marissa has this tight-knit friend group: Chloe, Adrian, Tasha, and Finn. They call themselves The Squad, honestly. And do literally everything together. Group chats going 24-7. Matching Halloween costumes. The works. At first I thought it was sweet that she had such close friends. Now I’m wondering if I’m even in a relationship or just some guy who pays half the rent.
The breaking point happened last weekend. Our 2 year anniversary was coming up, and I’d planned this whole evening, made reservations at the place where we had our first real date, got tickets to see this band she’s been obsessing over. Nothing crazy, expensive, but thoughtful stuff.
I found her in the living room, scrolling through Instagram stories of her friends’ weekend adventures. “Hey, so I’ve got something special planned for our anniversary next Saturday,” I said sitting down next to her. She looked up from her phone and I swear her face just fell. Like I told her someone died. She set the phone down slowly.
“Babe? That’s the same night as Tasha’s birthday pregame. I can’t miss that.” I felt my stomach drop a little. But I tried to stay reasonable. “What if you ask them if you guys could reschedule to Friday night instead or Sunday?” She was already shaking her head before I finished talking.
“No. You don’t understand. Tasha specifically planned it for Saturday, because it’s literally the only night everyone can make it. Adrian’s got that big work conference starting Sunday. And Chloe has been so stressed with her new job that she really needs this. And Finn just broke up with that girl he was seeing, so he needs us right now too.”
I watched her face as she talked, and she was getting more animated like she was warming up to her argument. “We all really need this night Ethan.”
“But it’s our anniversary,” I said, and I hated how small my voice sounded. “This only happens once a year. You can see your friends literally any other time.” That’s when her whole demeanor changed. She sat back, crossed her arms, and gave me this look like I was being completely unreasonable.
“Love can wait but friendship can’t. They were here before you, and they’ll be here after.” I just stared at her. The words hit me like a physical blow. They’ll be here after. Not if something happens to us. Not God forbid we ever break up. But a casual matter of fact. After like our breakup was already penciled into her calendar somewhere between next month’s group vacation and Chloe’s birthday party.
After everything we’ve built together, I’m still just some temporary thing that can be rescheduled around brunch plans. This isn’t the first time either:
My graduation from my master’s program, she went to Adrian’s housewarming party instead.
My brother’s wedding last month, she was too exhausted from a three-day festival with the squad to come as my plus one.
Even when my mom was in the hospital for her surgery, Marissa couldn’t visit because it conflicted with their weekly game night.
She expects me to drop everything when she needs something. Last month, she called me at 2am to pick her up from some dive bar across town, because Finn was too drunk to drive responsibly. When I got there she barely acknowledged me. Just kept taking selfies with everyone while I stood there like a Uber driver. Then spent the whole ride home talking about drama between Chloe and some guy from the bar.
The worst part is how she talks about our relationship to them. I overheard her on the phone with Tasha last week saying how I’m going through a jealous phase and need to learn to share her time better. Like I’m some insecure teenager instead of her partner, who just wants to feel like a priority.
Sometimes I’ve tried talking to her about balance. About how relationships need nurturing too. She always promises to do better then immediately makes plans that exclude me. When I point out the pattern she accuses me of trying to isolate her from her friends. There’s no winning.
I’m writing this from a coffee shop because I couldn’t stand being in our apartment anymore. I’ve been looking at places online all morning, found a decent one-bedroom about 20 minutes away that I can afford on my own. The lease application is sitting in my email drafts. I love her, but I can’t keep coming in sixth place in my own relationship.
My friends think I should give her an ultimatum, but honestly, I’m tired of begging someone to want to spend time with me. Is it too much to ask that your girlfriend actually wants to be your girlfriend sometimes?
Edit: Reading all these responses is really eye-opening. To everyone asking why I haven’t just ended it, you’re right. I keep hoping she’ll realize what she’s doing, but she’s made it pretty clear where her priorities are. Going to submit that rental. application when I get home.
Date one. Original post blew up way more than I expected. Thanks for all the support and advice. Wish I could say this story had a happy ending, where we work things out but you’ll see, I submitted. The rental application that same day got approved within 48 hours, which felt like a sign. Spent the next week quietly moving my stuff whenever Marissa was out with the squad, which was convenient, since that’s basically every day.
By the time she noticed something was up, I had already moved about 80% of my things. She came home Thursday night around midnight. Apparently they had gone to some new rooftop bar that Finn wanted to try, and immediately saw that my gaming setup was gone. I heard her calling my name from the living room, her voice getting higher with each room she checked.
Ethan, Ethan. What the hell is happening here? Where’s all your stuff? I was in our bedroom packing the last of my clothes when she found me. She stood in the doorway for a moment, scanning the room like she was taking inventory of everything missing.
Are you? Are you moving out? Her voice cracked a little on the last one. I handed her the letter I’d written. Tried to keep it simple and honest that I needed to be with someone who actually wanted to prioritize our relationship, that I couldn’t keep feeling like an afterthought in her life. She read it once quickly. Then again, slower, her eyes getting wider. When she looked up at me, it was like she was seeing a stranger.
You’re seriously leaving me because I have friends? Because I won’t ditch the people who have been there for me for years? I sat down on the edge of the bed, suddenly exhausted.
Marissa, it’s not about you having friends.
Then, what is it about? She snapped, waving the letter, because this whole thing reads like you want me to choose between you and everyone I care about.
I want you to care about me too, I said quietly. I want to feel like I matter to you, like our relationship matters. She stared at me like I’d suggested something insane.
You matter. But I can’t just abandon my friends every time you want attention. I felt something twist in my chest.
Marissa, I asked you to spend one evening with me for our anniversary. One. I explained why that night was more important than us. She threw her hands up.
This is ridiculous Ethan, you’re throwing away two years because you can’t handle me having a social life. You knew who I was when we started dating.
I really looked at her and realized she genuinely didn’t understand. In her mind, I was the problem. I was the one being unreasonable.
I thought I knew who you were, I said, standing up and zipping the bag. I thought you were someone who wanted to build something with me.
I do want to build something with you. But not if it means cutting off everyone else in my life.
I’m not asking you to cut them off. I’m asking you to make space for me too. But she was already shaking her head, and I could see in her eyes that we were going to keep going in circles. She saw this as me being controlling. I saw it as basic relationship maintenance. There was no middle ground we were both willing to find.
After another 20 minutes of the same arguments on repeat, I finally held up my hands.
I’m done Marissa. I’m done arguing about this, done arguing or done with us.
Both the finality in my voice seemed to hit her, then her whole posture changed. Like she suddenly realized this wasn’t just a fight we’d work through. That’s when things got weird. She started following me around the apartment, listing all the things we shared, all the memories we’ve made. But even then, every other sentence was about her friends.
Remember, when we went to that concert and ran into Chloe and Adrian? What about the time we cooked dinner for the whole squad? Like she couldn’t even conceptualize experiences that were just about us.
I told her I’d be back for the rest of my stuff over the weekend when she was at Tash’s pool party, because there was a pool party. Left my key on the kitchen counter, and walked out. But apparently leaving wasn’t enough for her.
Saturday morning, I’m in my new place, finally feeling like I can breathe again when my phone starts going crazy. Marissa is calling non-stop, sending paragraph long texts about how we need to talk this through like adults. When I didn’t answer, she started having the squad message me too.
Chloe sent me this long text about how Marissa is devastated, and I’m breaking up the family. Finn called me immature for ghosting instead of working things out. Adrian tried the reasonable approach, suggesting we all meet up to discuss things. Even Tasha, who I’ve maybe had 10 conversations with in two years, felt qualified to tell me I was making a mistake.
The messages got more aggressive as the day went on. Stuff like you’re going to regret this. And Marissa deserves better anyway. By Sunday evening, they were calling me emotionally abusive for abandoning her without warning. Despite the letter I’d left explaining everything.
Then Monday night happened, I got home from work to find all five of them standing outside my new building. Marissa was in front, the squad arranged behind her like some kind of intervention crew. She started talking, as soon as she saw me, loud enough that neighbors were looking. out their windows.
We need to settle this right now. You don’t get to just disappear and ignore everyone. We’re all adults here told them there was nothing to settle. I’d made my decision. I’d explain my reasons, and I wasn’t changing my mind.
That’s when Finn stepped forward with this gem.
Dude, you’re being a selfish piece of shit. Do you know how much you’re hurting her? How much you’re hurting? All of us. All of them.
I asked what exactly I’d done to hurt people I barely knew. Apparently, by dating Marissa, I’d become part of their family system. And leaving her was like abandoning all of them. You could only imagine the face I made while listening to this complete nonsense. It was literally the most co-dependent thing I’d ever heard. The whole thing was surreal. Chloe was crying. Adrian kept trying to mediate. Tasha was recording everything on her phone for evidence of what I have, no idea. And Marissa just stood there nodding along, like this was all perfectly normal behavior.
I told them they had exactly 30 seconds to leave my property before I called building security. When they didn’t move, and kept telling me to work things out. Like adults I walked inside and did exactly that. Security came out and asked them to leave, which they did, but not before Marissa shouted that this wasn’t over.
That was three weeks ago. Calls and texts have finally stopped, but I still get the occasional message from a random number. Probably one of them using someone else’s phone, I doubt they would try to show up at my building again. Building management knows to watch for them. Now I don’t regret leaving, but I’m honestly shocked by how insane this. Got like who brings their entire friend group to harass their ex. What kind of adult behavior is that?
Day two, back again with another update. Honestly didn’t think I’d be posting more about this situation. But life has a sense of humor apparently.
First off, things on my end are going really well. New apartment is great, work’s been busy but rewarding. I’ve been reconnecting with friends, I’d kind of neglected during the Marissa years. Turns out when you’re not spending every weekend being the designated driver for someone else’s social circle. You have time for your own relationships who knew the real story.
Is what’s been happening with Marissa and the infamous squad. My buddy Jake works with Adrian. Apparently, the group dynamics have been shifting. Remember how I mentioned that Adrian was getting serious with his girlfriend Emma? They got engaged two weeks ago. Emma has been pretty vocal about thinking the whole group setup is immature, and has been pushing Adrian to establish better boundaries. According to Jake, Adrian has been slowly pulling back from the constant group activities. Missing the weekly hangouts, not responding to the group chat, as much actually prioritizing his relationship. Sound familiar?
Marissa apparently lost her shit when Adrian said he couldn’t do their annual weekend trip. To the beach house, because he and Emma had already planned a trip to visit her parents. You’re becoming just like Ethan was supposedly her exact words, because god forbid someone. Prioritize their romantic relationship over weekend beach trips.
But it gets better. Chloe got a promotion at work that requires her to relocate to Portland. She’s been trying to coordinate virtual hangouts and plan visits. But Marissa has been cold about the whole thing. Apparently she made some comment about how real friends don’t abandon the group for career opportunities. Chloe is understandably hurt by this reaction to what should be good news.
Then there’s the Tasha and Finn situation. I never got the full story while I was dating Marissa. But apparently those two have had an on and off thing for years that everyone just pretends isn’t happening. Well, it’s happening again. This time, it’s serious enough that they want to actually date instead of just hooking up after group events. Marissa is not handling this because it changes the group dynamic. And she’s worried about what happens if they break up.
Let me get this straight. When I complained about feeling deprioritized, I was being controlling and selfish. But now when she’s feeling deprioritized by her friends, suddenly it’s a tragedy and everyone is abandoning her.
The best part. And I’m getting this through Jake’s girlfriend who’s friends with Emma. Is that Marissa has been going around telling people that everyone is pulling an Ethan on her, like wanting to grow up and build adult relationships is some kind of betrayal epidemic that I started. I don’t think she even realizes no one is taking her seriously anymore.
Meanwhile, I’ve been having actual fun for the first time in months. Went to a concert last weekend with some college friends, who I hadn’t seen in ages. No group coordination required. No one insisted on taking Instagram photos every five minutes. I didn’t have to leave early because someone needed emotional support for their latest drama. It was revolutionary.
I’ve also been seeing someone new, nothing serious yet, but Sarah is refreshing. She has close friends. But she also understands that relationships require one-on-one time to grow. Novel concept, right? We had dinner Friday night, just the two of us, and she didn’t check her phone once. Didn’t even occur to me how unusual that was until later. But here’s where it gets really interesting. Three days ago, I get a text from Marissa, first direct contact since the apartment building confrontation.
A. I know things ended badly between us, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Maybe we could grab coffee sometime. I feel like we both said things we didn’t mean. What the hell. I just sat there staring at my phone for like a full minute after months of complete silence. And now this, it felt like getting sucker punched out of nowhere. I didn’t respond immediately. But then yesterday she sent another one.
I know I made mistakes. I was young and didn’t understand how to balance everything. But I’ve been learning and growing. I think we could try again. If you’re open to it, I showed the messages to Jake. And he just laughed. Apparently, word has gotten back to Marissa that I’ve been doing well, that I’m seeing someone new, and that I seem genuinely happier. Jake thinks she’s realizing that maybe having a devoted boyfriend wasn’t such a terrible thing.
After all, the timing is pretty telling though, right? When her friend group is naturally evolving, and she’s facing the reality that people grow up and their priorities change, suddenly she wants to revisit our relationship. Where was all this learning and growing when I was begging her to understand my feelings for two years? I’m not responding to the messages. I don’t owe her a coffee date or a chance to explain herself. I spent two years trying to get her to understand what I needed from a partnership. She consistently chose to dismiss those needs. I’m not interested in being her backup plan now that her primary social structure is changing.
Edit. Some people are asking if I think she’s genuinely changed, or if this is just convenience. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Even if she has learned something about relationships, I’ve moved on. I’m building something new with someone who already understands what partnership looks like. Why would I go backward?
Final update probably my last post about this whole situation, but wanted to share how things wrapped up since so many of you have been following along. The Marissa text messages continued for about another week after my last update. Nothing aggressive or manipulative. More like she was trying to find the right combination of words that would get me to respond. A few highlights:
I finally understand what you meant about balance. I see it now.
The group isn’t the same anymore.
I think I was using everyone to avoid dealing with real intimacy.
I miss talking to you. Not even about getting back together, just talking.
That last one almost got me. We did use to have great conversations, especially early in our relationship. But I reminded myself that good conversation doesn’t mean good partnership. I stayed silent.
Things came to a head last Tuesday. Sarah and I were having dinner at this Italian place downtown when I spotted a familiar group at a corner table. Marissa, Finn and Tasha, Adrian and Chloe were notably absent. Apparently, Adrian was at some couples thing with his fiancée, and Chloe was already in Portland setting up her new life. Marissa saw me before I could suggest we leave. Our eyes met across the restaurant. I could see her debating whether to come over. Sarah noticed me tense up and asked if everything was okay. I explained the situation briefly. She knew I had an ex who had been reaching out, but not the full drama. To her credit, Marissa didn’t cause a scene. She just gave me a small wave, then seemed to have an animated conversation with Finn and Tasha.
I figured that was the end of it but, as Sarah and I were leaving, Marissa approached us near the exit.
Ethan, hey. I don’t want to interrupt your evening, but could I talk to you for just a minute? Sarah squeezed my hand and said she’d wait by the car. Probably the most graceful way anyone’s ever handled meeting their partner’s ex. Marissa looked different, tired maybe, or just older. She started talking quickly, like she’d rehearsed it.
I know you haven’t been responding to my messages, and I understand why. I just wanted to say that you were right. About everything, about the balance, about priorities, about what a real relationship should look like. I see Adrian with Emma, and I watch how they support each other, and I realize I never did that with you.
I told her I appreciated her saying that, but it didn’t change anything between us. I know I’m not asking for another chance, I just needed you to know that I understand now. And I’m sorry, really. Genuinely sorry for how I treated you, and how I reacted when you left. It was the first time she’d actually apologized without any qualifiers or excuses. She looked over at Sarah in the parking lot and smiled. Sadly, she seems lovely. I hope she appreciates what she has.
That was it. She went back to her table. I went to my car and Sarah asked if I was okay. I realized I actually was. The ironic epilogue to all this. I heard through Jake that the squad is essentially done. Adrian’s fully committed to his new life with Emma, and barely talks to the group anymore. Chloe is loving Portland, and has made friends through work. Tasha and Finn are dating now, but apparently want space from the group dynamic that complicated things for so long. Apparently wants space from the group dynamic. that complicated things for so long. Marissa has been trying to keep the group together, planning events and sending nostalgic messages about the good times. But you can’t force people to stay in a dynamic they’ve outgrown. She’s learning what I tried to tell her months ago, that relationships— all relationships— require mutual investment and understanding. When people feel like they can’t be authentic or pursue their own growth, they leave.
As for me and Sarah, things are progressing nicely. She met some of my friends last weekend, and it was effortless. No one felt like they had to perform or compete for attention. Just adults hanging out and getting to know each other. She’s been talking about maybe taking a weekend trip together next month, just the two of us. The fact that this seems normal and exciting rather than selfish or threatening tells me everything I need to know about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns.
I don’t wish anything bad for Marissa. I hope she figures out how to build connections that don’t require her to sacrifice other important relationships. I’m glad I had the courage to walk away when I did. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is refuse to accept being treated like an option. Thanks for all the support throughout this whole saga. Read it time to close this chapter permanently and focus on the new one.
