A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said:

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”

Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”

Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye.”

Bartender: “You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird sh*t?”

Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”